"Failure Is The Lack of Action Not The Action Lacking"
The biggest struggle I have is not with teachers, family, friends, school or the whole world for that matter, my biggest struggle is with myself. I constantly judge myself, rating all my actions and measuring how they were done. After a conversation, when I am done with homework, how my attitude was during the day, if I am living bold, if I used my voice I try to see if I am living life up to my own standards. I feel like I get away from just living life and go to living life in a certain way.
It is really hard for me to say this but I am a very insecure person. I always feel like my actions could have been done in a different way than I did them and that gets me down, big time. I am an emotional roller coaster going up and down, motivated one minute and the next I don't know my ass from a whole in the ground. In my life I keep a very stable attitude, I don't really let people know what is going on. Its a huge mask that I wear. I don't let people know because I think to myself how could I help people if I need help myself and if I don't help people I wouldn't be living life according to my personal rule book that says you need to always help people. And when I don't, wow, the shit hits my internal fan. It could be a simple thing like the language I use. I will noticed myself throwing in a few tries, cant's, could haves and I think," you know better not to use those words," and I stop but really feel like I might be loosing what I learned, am I becoming re-adapted or becoming unaware again. I am so afraid of living life like I did back in the cave before I made my ascent so I use all of my human power to practice what I have learned and make sure that I use it so I don't loose it.
I have been looking inside of myself and trying to find out why I do the things I do. Why am I the way I am? Why do I put so much energy into helping the world and other people? It is all about the feelings I get, being inspired, accomplishment, achieving, happiness and it is all for me, to help me rise up and feel like I am on a cloud or I am worthy. I chase feelings and I know that in certain situations and places they help bring out those emotions that make me feel good. I am reading a book called Father Joe, and Father Joe talks about how doing things because how they make us feel is really a selfish act. He says things should be done for purely love. After reading this I really felt my whole existence drop away from me and I thought about everything that I like to do in a different way. It made me feel unsure about where I am am going but more importantly why I do the things I do. I thought about all the things I cling onto and my reasons. A course in the book, Father Joe, that is his perspective and it really holds as much truth as I put into it but for some odd reason it really got me thinking. Father Joe is a Benedictine Monk and right now I am not doing things in my life for a religion or god but because I feel that is what I need to do. Why am I the way I am?
Who am I? I am a BOLD LEADER, I made a choice to wear a green band around my wrist and my heart. I am devoted to living bold and I feel a sense of responsibility to do so. I think about the opportunities that I have been given, things I have been able to see, friends I have gained and the power I have discovered in myself and others and I feel empty thinking about where I would be with out is all. I feel so grateful for what I have been given and my way to pay for it all is to live bold. I feel a great responsibility to live live in a " green way," and when I am not or I feel like I didn't do enough to be bold I feel horrible. I struggle to maintain my image as a Bold Leader.
My life is pretty busy at the moment, I am doing a all school presentation in a few weeks, I am preparing for finals, I am working on all my make up work and also staying current with other work, so when my brother asked me if we were still on for rock climbing this morning I was very hesitant. I knew what I had on my plate and the AM thoughts were flowing in my mind. It was cold out and I knew the climbing day would be short lived and I figured it would just be a waste of time. I weighed my options and I went back and forth on going and not going. Finally, after talking it over with Nick we compromised and said we would be back at 5:00pm. Before I got in the car I said to myself, " now you are going so get on Fm, " and I did. When we arrived at North Table Mountain it was really cold but I just went with it. Up at the wall I was singing and shaking my butt, "playing the fool" and just keeping the energy up. I knew that when I felt the rock our climbing day would be short lived, but I didn't rub it in Nick's face I just stayed in the moment and enjoyed it for what it was. Nick went about two clips up and came down, his hand were frozen. I was super cold from belaying but I wanted to get on the rock. I didn't worry about how high I would get or if I would get to the top I just thought about getting on the rock. As I climbed my hand turned into lobster claws but I kept going. I grabbed the rocks not by feeling the holds but by seeing my hands on the holds and telling myself to grip as hard as I could. I went a little over two clips and made it no where near the top. Back at home I thought about our climbing day and I really didn't care about not getting to the top but was thinking about how much I enjoyed making a few moves on the rock and just being up there with my brother. Normally I would have felt like a failure and would have let it ruin my day because I would have wanted to get to the top. This was different, It was what it was and I was content. How could this apply to my life?
I looked at what has been causing me pain or letting me down. It is always having expectations and my self image of myself. Do I always need to be this way? I realize that I don't need do things a certain way to love myself, that there is no right way how to do anything in life. I saw that by just going rock climbing I succeeded. Though, I did not make it to the top and failed there, I failed by doing. I have become ok with failure as long as it is failing outside of my head. I am a perfectionist and a procrastinator. When I do my home work I try to have to perfect environment, a hot cup of coffee in my hand and the perfect song for the mood. I have found out that I can't ever get that perfect song or that coffee at the exactly right temperature. So I stop doing. As long as I am doing I see that I can do no more. As long as I play and participate at 100 percent that is all that matters. I look at all the energy I expend to keep up the image of myself that I beleive other people want to see and I realize that none of it matters. You spent only a portion of time with other people in you life but you are always with yourself. In life you have to be content with yourself and what you do. I see that this is the true test of who I am when it is all being called into question by others and myself. In times when I am unsure It makes me look inside myself and see who I really am. I look at everything that I am, the good, the bad and the ugly and I love it all. It is what makes me who I am. Now, that is no should be no excuse to allow me to continue the things that dont serve me but those also shape who I am and who I will become. I see the only way I could do wrong is to not doing anything. I will always just keep taking that step, I may be unsure, It may not be the way I imagined it but if I fall through the floor I will not do it by standing in place but because I was jumping up and down!
It is really hard for me to say this but I am a very insecure person. I always feel like my actions could have been done in a different way than I did them and that gets me down, big time. I am an emotional roller coaster going up and down, motivated one minute and the next I don't know my ass from a whole in the ground. In my life I keep a very stable attitude, I don't really let people know what is going on. Its a huge mask that I wear. I don't let people know because I think to myself how could I help people if I need help myself and if I don't help people I wouldn't be living life according to my personal rule book that says you need to always help people. And when I don't, wow, the shit hits my internal fan. It could be a simple thing like the language I use. I will noticed myself throwing in a few tries, cant's, could haves and I think," you know better not to use those words," and I stop but really feel like I might be loosing what I learned, am I becoming re-adapted or becoming unaware again. I am so afraid of living life like I did back in the cave before I made my ascent so I use all of my human power to practice what I have learned and make sure that I use it so I don't loose it.
I have been looking inside of myself and trying to find out why I do the things I do. Why am I the way I am? Why do I put so much energy into helping the world and other people? It is all about the feelings I get, being inspired, accomplishment, achieving, happiness and it is all for me, to help me rise up and feel like I am on a cloud or I am worthy. I chase feelings and I know that in certain situations and places they help bring out those emotions that make me feel good. I am reading a book called Father Joe, and Father Joe talks about how doing things because how they make us feel is really a selfish act. He says things should be done for purely love. After reading this I really felt my whole existence drop away from me and I thought about everything that I like to do in a different way. It made me feel unsure about where I am am going but more importantly why I do the things I do. I thought about all the things I cling onto and my reasons. A course in the book, Father Joe, that is his perspective and it really holds as much truth as I put into it but for some odd reason it really got me thinking. Father Joe is a Benedictine Monk and right now I am not doing things in my life for a religion or god but because I feel that is what I need to do. Why am I the way I am?
Who am I? I am a BOLD LEADER, I made a choice to wear a green band around my wrist and my heart. I am devoted to living bold and I feel a sense of responsibility to do so. I think about the opportunities that I have been given, things I have been able to see, friends I have gained and the power I have discovered in myself and others and I feel empty thinking about where I would be with out is all. I feel so grateful for what I have been given and my way to pay for it all is to live bold. I feel a great responsibility to live live in a " green way," and when I am not or I feel like I didn't do enough to be bold I feel horrible. I struggle to maintain my image as a Bold Leader.
My life is pretty busy at the moment, I am doing a all school presentation in a few weeks, I am preparing for finals, I am working on all my make up work and also staying current with other work, so when my brother asked me if we were still on for rock climbing this morning I was very hesitant. I knew what I had on my plate and the AM thoughts were flowing in my mind. It was cold out and I knew the climbing day would be short lived and I figured it would just be a waste of time. I weighed my options and I went back and forth on going and not going. Finally, after talking it over with Nick we compromised and said we would be back at 5:00pm. Before I got in the car I said to myself, " now you are going so get on Fm, " and I did. When we arrived at North Table Mountain it was really cold but I just went with it. Up at the wall I was singing and shaking my butt, "playing the fool" and just keeping the energy up. I knew that when I felt the rock our climbing day would be short lived, but I didn't rub it in Nick's face I just stayed in the moment and enjoyed it for what it was. Nick went about two clips up and came down, his hand were frozen. I was super cold from belaying but I wanted to get on the rock. I didn't worry about how high I would get or if I would get to the top I just thought about getting on the rock. As I climbed my hand turned into lobster claws but I kept going. I grabbed the rocks not by feeling the holds but by seeing my hands on the holds and telling myself to grip as hard as I could. I went a little over two clips and made it no where near the top. Back at home I thought about our climbing day and I really didn't care about not getting to the top but was thinking about how much I enjoyed making a few moves on the rock and just being up there with my brother. Normally I would have felt like a failure and would have let it ruin my day because I would have wanted to get to the top. This was different, It was what it was and I was content. How could this apply to my life?
I looked at what has been causing me pain or letting me down. It is always having expectations and my self image of myself. Do I always need to be this way? I realize that I don't need do things a certain way to love myself, that there is no right way how to do anything in life. I saw that by just going rock climbing I succeeded. Though, I did not make it to the top and failed there, I failed by doing. I have become ok with failure as long as it is failing outside of my head. I am a perfectionist and a procrastinator. When I do my home work I try to have to perfect environment, a hot cup of coffee in my hand and the perfect song for the mood. I have found out that I can't ever get that perfect song or that coffee at the exactly right temperature. So I stop doing. As long as I am doing I see that I can do no more. As long as I play and participate at 100 percent that is all that matters. I look at all the energy I expend to keep up the image of myself that I beleive other people want to see and I realize that none of it matters. You spent only a portion of time with other people in you life but you are always with yourself. In life you have to be content with yourself and what you do. I see that this is the true test of who I am when it is all being called into question by others and myself. In times when I am unsure It makes me look inside myself and see who I really am. I look at everything that I am, the good, the bad and the ugly and I love it all. It is what makes me who I am. Now, that is no should be no excuse to allow me to continue the things that dont serve me but those also shape who I am and who I will become. I see the only way I could do wrong is to not doing anything. I will always just keep taking that step, I may be unsure, It may not be the way I imagined it but if I fall through the floor I will not do it by standing in place but because I was jumping up and down!
Comment
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Comment by Anita Annan on October 23, 2009 at 5:23pm - Thank you so much for writing that. Sometimes I feel like I don't know but after reading that I feel a bit closer to you. You are very wise my good sir the more learn the less we know so you are a genious.
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Comment by Brady Rhodes on October 20, 2009 at 10:35am -
Good to "see" you hear amigo - i could hear your voice going 100mps as i read this :-)...
Here is that Rilke quote that I think we looked at awhile ago - it is all about you and living a life of participation:
“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions”
When is your presentation? Are we invited?
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Comment by Nikolas Rybar on October 19, 2009 at 12:53pm - Yes man I can just agree with Lindsay.... you are perfectly imperfect....
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Comment by Nikolas Rybar on October 19, 2009 at 12:53pm
- Yes man I can just agree with Lindsay.... you are perfectly imperfect....
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Comment by lukas_bacso on October 17, 2009 at 12:18pm -
it´s nice to see that ...somebody has find himself......be bold bro...you are the next Martin Luther King....
just keep it...
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Comment by Lindsay Emery on October 15, 2009 at 2:31pm -
Cody!!! you are an amazing man! I remember in the note I wrote you I told you I wanted you to fail so that it would bring you back to earth (or something along those lines). You have done just that in a way that is so beyond your years and is amazing to read and hear about. I am so happy that you have come to learn all of this! You are Perfectly Imperfect! (and thats good) I love you man!!!
P.S. we need to go on a hike sooner then later!
Love you always! Be who YOU want to be, people will always love you for that.
Love Lindsay :)
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Comment by Michael Donahue on October 12, 2009 at 9:33pm -
I have been wondering where you have been. I must find a way for more people to read the writings of the teens on these pages.
A fine life you do lead.
Michael
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