Contemplations of Unworthiness

[Alex Wood]

I realized tonight that I've been hurting a lot lately. I've been avoiding the fact that I do, but that doesn't mean it isn't true. Isn't always in the back of my mind. I hate that it is. More than anything. I hate that I let myself to succumb to these negative thoughts, that I'm letting little things run the way I think about myself. But I have to admit to it. I have to be able to say that I do let those thoughts consume me.

I've always struggled with being a perfectionist, feeling like I can and should always be better, being disappointed in myself when I am not. I've let it go too far. I was able to convince myself for a while that I am good enough, or that I was, but now that I'm back at school, I can't help falling into the same habits I had before the trip, the same thoughts. I compare myself to other people constantly. Almost everything someone does that is good for them makes me feel awful, jealous, and stupid. I hate myself for devaluing the wonderful people in my life, and making everything so selfish.

I'm in a rut. Before the trip, I had a really bad experience with a boy, who, no matter how stupid it sounds, I thought I loved. He was one of my best friends, and he made me feel special, he made me feel like he felt the same way about me as I did about him. He's dating one of my best friends now. After I professed my feelings for him. It was awful. We don't talk anymore. I can hardly read posts he writes on my friend's wall without tearing up and feeling worthless. I was rejected in a way that I had never been before. Sure, boys never really liked me, but this was different somehow. I let myself think that I wasn't good enough for him, for anybody. That I wasn't pretty enough, smart enough, bubbly enough, loving enough. That my friendship wasn't valuable enough to him. Or anybody. That I was unlovable. Whenever I think of him, I feel that way. And I think about him all the time. How could I not when my friend pretends not to know how I felt about him and tells me all the wonderful things he says to her, all the wonderful conversations had and wonderful things they did? How could I not when every time I walk on stage I remember spending every night with him in rehearsal? I know I can't escape that. But I have to find some way to escape these feelings.

Spending so much time in the theatre and with my friend, those emotions always stirring up, they've almost become a constant. I never truly feel good about myself. No matter how many realizations I have that I am smart, or that I am passionate, that doesn't seem to be enough. Because it wasn't enough for him. I've let his standards become mine and I've exaggerated them.

I don't know how to make myself feel good again. Like I did in Europe. I can't figure out what made that environment so different. And so I thrive and survive based off my constant search for reassurance that I am good enough through other people. I'll admit, I often dig for compliments, I don't like it, but I do. But those don't even make me feel better because I convince myself that it was just a pity compliment.

I try to remind myself: FM thinking, Alex. FM. Stay positive. You are good enough.
I still don't believe it. And I don't remember what it felt like when I did.

Occasionally, I'll feel proud of something. It doesn't last long, but that moment is more rewarding than anything I could imagine. For some reason, however annoying it is, I only really feel proud when I do something good for someone else. I guess because then it's not judged on my abilities, not on my character, my personality, my intelligence. It's simply that I participated in helping someone else.

I've been thinking a lot about how I can transfer this attitude and pride into other aspects of my life. But I come short. My mom and I have had a lot of discussions about this. She says, and I know she's right, that I need to somehow find a way to channel confidence, to remind myself that I am a good person, and hold onto that feeling. The thing is, I don't know how. At the moment, I don't know how to commit to anything I do because I feel like no matter what, I'm going to fail. And trust me, I have. I have failed. The act isn't that bad, it's how I feel about myself afterward that is.

I'm struggling more than I'd like to admit. I hate that I let a boy determine whether or not I am a good person. I hate that I depend on the reassurance of others. I hate that I am unable to find that confidence on my own at the moment. But those are all true. And I know that in order to solve a problem, you have to admit to it. So, for this one blog, I am taking off my mask of self-composure that I try to hold in my life, and I'm just going to be the vulnerable, honest me.

I need coaching. I don't need reassurance. I need to know how to change my attitude about myself. I feel like I'm losing everything I learned, and that scares me. I don't want to become the slob that I was after everything with that boy. I don't want to sink into that depression again. I don't want to think that I am going to.

[Gianina Horton]

Before you g to bed at night, look in a mirror and say one negative thing that happen that da. Then, follow it up by 2 good memories. When you are thinking about those two good moments, think about how you felt and re-experience those moments. Make sure you are gettng alot of sleep and like others have said, find other stuff to do with other people. Hell, go check out some dudes! ;-)
-nina

[Anita Annan]

Alex you are one of the most amazing people I know it makes me sad you feel this way but I'm glad you recognize it. We will work on how you feel if you want to. Remember this make the future your dreams turn frayed memories into a daze and wash them away I am hear for you I love you.

[Brady Rhodes]

First off - stop the self-berating for needing acknowledgement. Nothing wrong with that, AND it is not going to go away, so you might as well embrace it. Its like you are waiting for someone to tell you you are ok, while at the same time slamming yourself for wanting it, so the acknowledgement gets nullified and you actually feel worse. Kinda silly cycle we get in isn't it?

Now the damage, from my perspective in what you wrote, is how the value of you to yourself takes such a hit through it all. As Cody shared, I am a big fan of gratefulness meditation, journaling, thinking, whatever - and you are a great reflector, which is all gratefulness thinking is. My coaching, if you spend time with gratefulness, would be to focus on what life is giving you in all this - countless moments to think about, be confused by, confronted by, etc. LIFE - it will only enrich you and bring awareness. As Socrates supposedly said: "the unexamined life is not worth living." Just keep living woman - no one ever says there is value in the easy road...

You will always be someone who loves deeply - which is a gift and a tragedy at the same time. You get to choose which one to pay attention and give energy to...

I love Tori's idea of "create new memories with different people" too...

love you - Brady

[Tori Lyn'ne Maddux]

I wish I could just hold you Alex, I get it, how a used up torn up candy wrapper feels
but we're not you know, if you still feel raw find something new to fall in love with an be passionate about.
go dancing
write a song
take someone you don't know out for coffee..er whatever it is you like
as long as you don't fuse youself to the couch you'll have time to create new memories of different people, and you'll begin to favor them more than the way that stupid excuse for a discusting bastard and/or cir made you feel. we'll be here to celebrate love

and if swine flu can't kill you neither will this kiddo :P

[Cody Michael Broncucia]

Alex, wonderful, honest, genuine blog, now lets get down to buisness. When I was reading your blog I saw so many paralles in your life and thoughts to mine. I know what it feels like to work so hard, devote all your time and energy to something and you just want to be acknowled for it. You just want to be noticed, validated and know someone cares. I know what is feels like to watch someone else get acknowldged for their work or accomplishments and I think, " I worked just as hard if not harder, and the teacher notices him instead of me." Why? Alex, you have to find a way to be content with you, your work and your life. When Akeem and I were over your house watching football I watched you work non-stop for hours, typing, reading and having your mom edit papers, and all after having the H1N1. What more could you do to be a good student? You were playing and participating 100%. The question is not what grade you got on your paper but did you put your hundread percent into working on that paper. Dont stop, dont ever stop because you think you cant reach your standards of what you call perfection. Failure is not to act, to stop, ceacing to do. Stop guaging your worth on the grade you get on your papers but wether put your 100 percent into that work, and I know you work damn hard at school.
You said in your blog, " what made the enviroment in europe so different? " Exactly that, it was forign, another country, a new place, unexpirenced. By going to a different place allowed you to have different thoughts and different ideas. Do the same here. Do somthing different than you normally would phisically or mentally. Mix it up and you will see somthing new that you never knew. Go into the unknown and learn. Alex, this one is stright from brady and one of the first lessions I learned in europe ( I learned it on the hike in demonoska valley), think about all that you are grateful for, all that you have and all that you do. BE GRATEFUL FOR YOU. You are perfectly imperfect, keep going and live unhabitual.

P.S. I am RSVPing to come to your play. When is it again?

[Eva Didiasova]

And remeber .
No man is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry.
:)

[Eva Didiasova]

My little Alex . Everytime when i see picture of you i see one big woman smiling at me. Woman, so strong and intelligent how much can woman be. Do you know that you are my inspiration? Everytime when i feel the same way like you , everytime when some man hurt me and wants to show me that I am just woman and I am not good enough for him , I think of you. Because you inspire me and you showed me how strong can woman be.
Alex you are amazing woman and everyday when you will looking in the mirror , try to smile and you will see how beautiful you ´re . From inside and outside too .A woman's worth , is more expensive than pearls or diamonds.
Sometimes love just come and pass you by , while you are busy making plans,while you have your eyes closen and thinking of these bad memories so you can´t see how many nice people surround you and they try to give you all their love.
What happened to you it´s just past , but when we are living in the past we don´t see lot of beautiful things around us.
By the way you didn´t fail .You gave him all your love and HE wasn´t strong enough to gave it to you too.
You don´t have to sink into depression because of this man . He doesn´t deserve it.
If anything happened in your life Alex ,don´t forget I will be always beside you and always here for you.
I love you my little Alex and i send you all my love to you.